Category: Parent Talk
if you don't have a kid, then don't tell me how to take care of mine. ah, those words that i'm sure every parrent has wanted to yell from the roof tops.
every day I have to deal with people who are always telling me what to do, how to do it, and what i'm doing wrong, but these people don't even have kids them selvs. I know people can be kiddo savvy before they have there oan, but can they really give first hand acounts? no! we all know we all have these wonderful perfict plans of houw we're going to do every thing picture perfict concerning our babys before they come in to this world, mine was going to be cloth diapering. but did it happen? no. because people sometimes just don't understand that after the baby is born they don't have all that time to do every thing picture perfict. they have all these wonderful outlines of how there going to do every single thing and do it right, and think we should be doing it too because it's the right thing to do, but can they really say that after the baby's born.
over all, i'm just tired of people with out kids telling me that what they think i'm doing is rong. I welcom light suggestions, but that's about it when it comes to my son, first hand acounts are better then just reading in books and on line.
sorry, this post has been a little discombobulating, but i had to get it off of my chest and that's how it typed out.
the funny thing is mona, most of the so called experts who write books on child raising, don't have children themselves. they spent all of their time in classrooms, learning about theories. they have no idea what its actually like, they just wrote a book about it. Look at the difference in books of people who have experienced things, and who have learned about them, the former is always more informative.
nicely said. I have noticed on the parenting board, the ones that are highly opinionated don't even have kids. yeah, it's all nice to read up on books and babysit and all that fun stuff. but I'm sure when it comes down to it, it's not the same as having your own. I don't have kids, and don't plan to. but it too bugs me when people think they know it all from books or baby sitting. Wow, some of them are even young too, and think they know it all. hehehhee
Yeah. It bugs the crap out of me. I used to actually be one of those anno"ying childless know-it-alls who would give advice to people who had kids because of what I saw on Doctor Phil or what I read in _Parenting magazine. Now that I'm a mom, I want to choke anyone who does not have a child, but must lavish me with their opinions. And it's true that those who've never had children have the highest opinions about everything. "Oh. I'll never feed my baby a bottle. Breast is best." This is what I said in my ninth month of pregnancy. I was singing a different tune when I had breastfed exclusively for a month and 1. wasn't making enough milk because of an infection in my incision and little did I know, I was having issues with my gal-bladder, 2. because of said gal-bladder, ended up in the hospital for five days and when I came home, Nathaniel was a seasoned pro at the bottle and wanted nothing to do with my breast. I said I wanted a big family until I really looked at our financial and transportation situations and realized that two babies was not only perfect for our present situation, but also perfect for our future plans. So, the bottom line: Opinions are like ass holes. Everybody's got 'em. The good news is, when these "experts" become parents and see how things truly are, we get permission to laugh in their faces when things they thought would be this particular way end up completely upside down.
Oh goodness, dear heart! Sorry you are upset! I don't mean to offend when I give advice. I give advice based on two things. Personal experience with my God kids and my up bringing and how all of my mother's kids turned out and how she did things. And from the point of view as a medical student. (I'm working on becoming a doctor.) I know a lot about shild development, abnormal psychology, and the medical physical side of things. I would raise children based on my knowledge on what I'm doing as a medical student, and when I become a doctor.
I've also watched how parents parent their children over the years, and I've seen the outcome of certain parenting styles. I've also had to observe case studies that involved actual children--this is part of the medical degree and part of the child psychology class--and they were heart breaking to say the least because i watched children grow up in differing environments, including two children who belonged to alcoholic parents. I wanted to step in so bad but could not for the sake of having to be objective, which is part of what a doctor must do most of the time.
If you are upset at the advice I gave when it came to your son's bottle removal, well, I'm truly sorry. I'm a direct person and speak to the point. that is just my nature. i mean nothing by it. You are not a bad mother at all. i mean, it takes a noble person to adopt a child and do what you're doing. Not many people are doing that or even have the heart. Most are about themselves. The fact that you opened your home and your heart shows a lot. And you're doing foster care and caring for special needs babies? That takes a special kind of person. I don't know too many who'd do such a thing. It's just that I'm giving you advice and telling you why your son does what he does, and I don't want you to get too caught up in feelig like you have to keep up with the Jones's down the street and get discouraged when your son is not following some time table or certain standards and is not going acording to todays trends. If I made you feel bad, I'm very sorry for this.
Depending on his bottle a lot at one year of age is not abnormal at all, and it is not the result of bad parenting. Like adults, babies have differing personalities, and some need securities to help them feel better. Heck, I'm twenty-four going on twenty-five, and I have security items and am proud of it. Believe me, there are a lot of adults who do but are too ashamed to admit this fact. I'm not, however, because i couldn't care less about what people think. He is still very much a baby, and the need to suck is still very intense at that age. He just turned one, right? That is what i've learned consistently across the board in my medical studies.
Now, there are some doctors and experts that might curve their advice to go with the culture and the current trends and times and that will make parents think that they will have a ready made baby to raise, but I'm not going to do that. I think that is misleading and wrong.
If you read most parenting books, you'll see that there is a lot about what will benefit the parent, such as one size fits all solutions to making a baby sleep through the night, snatching their bottle away before they can verbalize and articulate enough to hold the parent responsible, and getting them potty trained in three days, and the like, but there is not much said about the benefit of the child. Never in those books do they consider the emotional, physical, or attachment needs of the infant. It is a marketing ploy that will get tired parents to purchase the next best parenting book. I, on the other hand, want to be honest, upright, direct, and just give you the advice from the knowledge that I've gained that is not slanted to get you to buy my next greatest book. If I were to write one, it probably would not sell much because I'm too much of a realist. I'd contain knowledge therein, but i'd not lie or mislead you into thinking that there is a magic solution to make life as a parent easier. That is so wrong. I want to have a clean conscience and sleep at night, you know?
mona, i couldn't agree with you more. and i will freely admit that before i got savannah, i told someone that doing childcare wasn't very different than having your own, and i was way wrong. i've basically been the "dad" to my niece and nephew, living with them for a good portion of their lives, but still it is not the same as having savannah. she's mine 24/7. i can't say, go ask your mom. she doesn't go home at 5 when parents get off work. even the times i've taken care of kids for a prolonged amount of time, it still isn't the same as having my own.
did childcare help me prepare for motherhood? in some ways yes. as in i learned ahead of time how to change diapers and feed a baby and such. it did nothing for preparing me for the up all night and sicknesses and such.
i had my perfect little lists and plans and thoughts on being the perfect mom. it went right out the window when savannah got here. i've never read a parenting book of any kind. attachment or any type at all, because as cody says, the majority of them don't even have children.
if someone wants to offer me advice, that's fine. but do not tell me i'm doing something wrong or patronize me, when you don't have a child of your own.
ok i'll stop my rambling now. but yes mona i agree.
Pipi
Pipi, try caring for someone who is very sick, severely disabled, or dying. I've done that with friends of mine, and boy, you will learn more than changing diapers, being up all night, and dealing with illness. I did it for a prolonged time until one of two things happened. Either my friends died: or, there was sufficient amount of help to the point I was not needed so much. Caregiving gave me experiences I will not forget.
reina with all due respect, being a medical student is great. watching your nieces is excellent. copying and emulating your mom is honoring and respectful to her. believe me, the first time you are at home with that new born baby, and he/she is screaming for no discernible reason, all these high flown ideas willl disappear and you will know what it is really like. comforting a tiny person and knowing i was the sole person to do this was the most frightening and fulfilling feeling of my life.
parenting is the only job we are expected to do perfectly with no real preparation that means anything. when we are blind we tend to put even more pressure on ourselves.
the fewer kids we have the more knowledgeable we seem to be. I remember in my arrogance thinking I was the expert on anything because I read a few books. pish posh macintosh was i ever wrong.
remember beleagured moms that you know best. the sweet smile, and the kind "your concern is appreciated, and I really appreciate your sharing your ideas" fool the know it alls in to believing you are sitting under their knowledge tree. then go away and do what you know to be right. you are the best judge and do the perfect job of bing the best mom for your baby.
Holy smokes Reina, you are a CEO of a computer company, a medical student at a university, writing books on medical subjects, forming support groups, caring for dying friends, monitorring and administering groups and boards on various web sites around the internet and on the Zone for considerable amount of time every day and every night, you must be quite the superwoman, do you ever sleep?
I'm a bit amused since I do remember seeing the perfect baby advice from folks like Sunshine, it amused me at the time, because I think I was the mr know-it-all too before I had kids so I know how I felt entering the "real world" of having kids and how she feels and how the people who now tell her and me how to raise kids will feel, it's just human nature, we're all guilty of it.
We really like advice from Babyfit and such boards, Happiest Baby on the Block and the corresponding Toddler books are quite good for specific subjects and do not appear to have the houlier-than-thou attitude, and good old Googling is excellent, plus post discussions here.
There are days I just give our toddler candy and let him watch 5 hours of tv when I am at home trying to work, my wife is at school and we got 5 hours of sleep the previous night. And, hey, at least I do try to choose "educational" movies, lol, and I don't do it all the time. Day care is all good but a 4 star rated day care costs $1300 a month, about the same as an office worker sallary, which is crazy. Fortunately we found a stay at home day care provider on Craigslist who has 4 star rating degree in child psychology and, best of all, our son loves going there and our younger one is about to as well for a day a week.
And the hardest thing about having kids is not watching them for a bit, it was actually easier than I feared it would be, it is the fact you are on-call 24/7, you are the parent, the magical creature who you thought could do anything in the world when you were a child, now you must be that for your child, and there's no break or going to a movie or going out without major planning, and sleep is as much as they allow you and you can't ever just ignore them.
That's the hard part, but the good part is that I've found having kids even more fun and rewarding than I ever dreamt it would be, and after the first year or so they become quite a bit easier, and after they start communitating at 2 the transition is unbelievable and parenting is so much easier.
I'd actually say the most difficult time was a short spell between around 15 to 20 months, they're mobile enough to crawl and walk and want to explore everything, but cannot communicate well and often get frustrated trying to express themselves.
Then again our son had a string of ear infections for months until we had a minor surgery done on him, and he turned into practically an angel after that, poor kid must've been hurting pretty bad.
you guys are amazing, so many different outlooks, so many different storys, and it makes me feel so not alone.
wildebrew, to be honest, I'm lucky if I get four hours of sleep at night. Sometimes, I go days without sleeping, no lie. I multitask, doing anywhere between three to five things at once. If you were to talk to me on the phone, I'd probably be doing three other things while holding a conversation with you. Some people say I'm amazing. I just say I'm doing God's work. I work hard, and I know that in the end, it will all pay off.
I do agree until you have kids or a kid it is all nothing. I've never read a parenting book, but watched the older people that were taking care of me, and others nicely. Listening to them, learning from them, then trying to apply it to your case is the only thing you can do. Questions of elders, friends with children with you values, and such seem to work great, but talking to a person that never had it to do is like asking a sighted person to instruct you on how to be blind. Lol. Last I love opinions. These are the fruits of life. To agree to disagree is best, but to try to bend others to your ways is silly.
reina, been there done that. don't wish it upon anyone. i was one of the main care takers for my grandma in her last few years of life, right down to holding hands and praying with my family as she took her last breath.
I've cared for a young lady with severe mental retardation, to the point where she cannot walk, talk, or even eat on her own. I've done this for weeks at a time, 24/7.
i've also worked in a severely handicapped elementary classroom. it was very rewarding to be able to help teach a young boy the simple things in life as in how to take his first steps at the age of 8. how to sign for simple things, and a few words.
again totally different than being a parent.
Wow! Pipi, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I bet there was so much you took away from them. And I bet you felt awesome helping those ones out. It really does make you feel good. The last time i did any caregiving was 2007, and thankfully, that friend did live. He had hep C, and he was doing poorly for awhile, but when they found the right medicine combination, he got back on his feet and is doing fine.
You know, I just want to say one thing. All of you parents are extraordinary. I know that I could give advice from a medical perspective, and i know I have that blunt personality that does come off a bit crass at times, but i thought I should let you know that you all are great. I mean, you do provide good, warm, loving homes for your babies, and despite doing things differently, those children are loved, and I'm sure they will come to know it if they don't already. Like my mother, I'm sure you sacrifice so much for these precious lives, and I really and truly commend you for your efforts.
If I can help in any way, i'll be glad to. If I can be a comfort and a support through the difficult times, I'd love to do that also. I'm always for helping parents, especially ones who are genuine, and even more so, I'm for helping blind parents. I did write an article that helps blind parents to protect their God-given rights to raise their children and also gives information to do should they ever find themselves face to face with the system. I'll dig it up and post it up for all of you guys, so you can prepare yourselves if the unfortunate should happen. Take care, and give your babes hugs from me. Keep being awesome! I look forward to discussions, and even fun debates, in the future. :) Blessings.
just want to reinstate that this topic wasn't created to be aimed at anyone, and speshilly not any one on the zone, just about people in jeneral, sorry if I afended any one, but O well.
Naw, you did not offend me at least. I can't speak for the others, but I'm not offended at all. You have the right to vent and express yourself. It's not like you were being nasty about it either. You felt something, thus felt compelled to talk about it. That's cool.
I forgot to add that I thought i had upset you, though. I'm really and truly glad I did not.
Sorry I don't remember your real name Wildebrew, but I loved what you had to say. I agree with every bit of it, especially about what you said the hardestpart of parenting was. I think the point that's being most hammered in to the groud here is that you will never ever be able to give meaningful parenting advice unles you are a parent. I have no clue what Pipi went through to adopt her daughter, therefore I have absolutely no right to assume I know all there is to know about adoption. Other people on here have never had a C-section birth so they have no right to judge me for having a repeat C-section.
I admire those who are parents, and the time and effort it takes to be one. But a Shea said earlier, I never plan to have kids, and this is part of why. Maybe I'm selfish, but I recognize that I love my own liberty too much to have a child. But I feel it would be more selfish for me not to recognize this, then to have a child, and be a lousy parent because I didn't devote the time and effort that it requires.
sister dawn you are very wise and mature to have figured this out. my mom had no business having kids. she became a parent because that was expected of her. i mean she did a fine job but she told me once that she admired women who had the wherewithall not to follow what society dictates.
I've also seen blind peoplewho won't have kids because they think it would betoohard being thatthey're blind. That,I think is very sad indeed. Alicia,I admire you for yourdecision and I think if more young people would exam themselves prior to engaging in behavior that would bring about a child, perhaps causing the person to regret having the child oncehe or she is here, then the world would be a better place. When I had my son, I let everyone walk all over me and tell me what to do withhim. I feel like Nathaniel and I missedout on a lot of what I could have had to offer him if, say, I was encouraged to breastfeed and had more support when I was having trouble nursing him. I wish I'd snuggled with him in my bed like I do with Hannah. Now, even though he seems like a pretty well-adjusted toddler, I still harbor a lot of guilt.
Um, I'm a little confused by your last post, Brandy. What was that about blind people and being parents? My blindness actually had very little to do with why I don't plan to become a parent. I know it is possible to be blind and to still be a good and competent parent. I wasn't even afraid of having a blind child.
My reasons were the one I already said, and also because my child would have a 50/50 chance of inheriting the cancer that blinded me. While I wasn't afraid of raising a blind child, cancer just seemed like something I didn't want to screw around with, and those odds were too high for my liking. That, and as I said, I prefer to have my own freedom. It's hard sometimes, as I get older, because my own biological clock dictates that I should have children, but that's purely physical/hormonal. I know on both the emotional and logical levels that i've made the right choice for myself. Well, not only myself, but that potential child I would bring into the world, when I don't really want one. Smile.
brandy brandy brandy!!!!
don't beat yourself up with guilt. at the time, you did the best with what you knew and the support you had. The fact that your son is a happy well adjusted and accepting toddler says a heck of a lot about your priorities and parenting style.
when i had my kids i knew zip and nada about the pparenting process. I had exactly one close friend who was a mom. i figured if i did everything the opposite of what she was doing my kids would be fine!!! REading books, and all that is great but we must incorporate them in to our lives and interpolate the advice to fit our needs. You are doing an outstanding job. Now you tell the guilt goblin to take an extended time out!!! Enjoy your day and your kids!!!
I respect yvonne because she decided that she wasn't ready to be a good mother and she took a more responcible way out. instead of taking care of a child that she didn't have the skil for, she gave him to some one who she thought would be better parrents. she didn't want to be a bad mother and luze her cool and hurt him or end up doing something really stupid. i may be byast, but I believe that people with this adatood have a good head on there sholders. of course it's best to follow threw and realize this and then prevent the kid from being created, but o well. we don't know what we'd do with out him.
simply put, she felt like she wasn't going to be a good parent because she didn't want a child so rather than put him in a bad situation that would have possibly gotten worse over time she did what we think was the right thing.
Mona, whether or not you are actually biased, I totally agree with you. Yvonne, is an amazing woman for what she has done. It really does take someone special to give a gift to someone she cares about. I have so much respect and admiration for Yvonne, and others that are so selfless and truly do make miracles, hopes, dreams, and wishes come true for others.
yes, we know yvonne loves noah, and we know she always will and we'll always love her for giving us something neather my husband our i could have givven us and we'll always have a bond with her that will always be there.
just because a person doesn't have kids, or has them and puts them up for adoption doesn't mean they don't love them or that there a bad person. don't mean to harp on this it's just a strong and emotional topic for me.
Whoa, I guess I don't know Yvonne, or you Mona, well enough to have realized what happened. I totally admire Yvonne for her decision. I admire anyone who chooses to put a child up for adoption because they know they can't take care of it, or are wise enough to know they would not make a good parent. I have never viewed giving a child up for adoption as meaning that biological parent didn't love the child, in fact, it's one of the more selfless acts one can do. So definitely Yvonne is wise for knowing herself well enough, and making her decision.
If, by some miracle I ever did get pregnant, I think that's what I'd have to do: give the child to people I knew would be good parents for it. I think all but one of the men I've dated has also agreed with this, and now I make certain that they do first. the likelyhood of me geting pregnant is extremely low, but still one of those things to discuss all the same.
Let's look at this from a different dirrection. Has anyone ever known someone who's been a surrogat parent? carried a baby to term for a friend who has gone through miscarriages and couldn't carry a baby herself? That has to be another of the most selfless acts anyone can do, willingly carry a baby that is not biologically hers all the way to term and give the child back to its natural parents. Wow ... and Yvonne, you're a wonderful person for giving Noah to a loving family. :)
Like Mona said, this is a very emotional subject for both of us. Yes, like everyone else in this world I am human annd we all make mistakes. I'm not saying Noah was a mistake at all. It was just unplanned, and the sperm doaner wasn't the person I really planned on having a child with. But I do love Noah very much. Enough to know that I don't have the ability to give him what he deserves in life, Such as two parents that will love him and give him everything he needs and wants. Thanks to Mona and her husband, Noah James is a spoiled child. andd I'm proud to say that. They love him more than I could imagine, and just knowing that makes me feel extremely blessed and lucky I had two people there ready to take a baby at the last minute after he was born and give him anything and everything he could ever ask for. While living with them I got to see how they took care of him, and that was another reason how I knew I made the right choice. Hearing that William talks about him everyday at work makes me sile and realise that Noah has a father who actually cares and loves Noah. Mona, just seeing everything she does for noah. From feeding, bathing, and playing with him. I just don't know what I'd do without them. Here I am at home, laid off from my job, and I have family members who don't have money to afford a place of their own now that are staying with me. I can't have Noah in this. I don't know what I'd be doing now if I was in this situation and have Noah. Its something I don't want to put him through and I won't.
But I do wish that more people would realise that just because I gave up my first child to a better family that could take care of him more than I could doesn't mean I don't love him. The reason why I gave him to Mona and her husband is because of that reason. I love Mona and her husband for what they did for me, Mona is the best thing that could ever happen to me.
I love you Mona, and all the drama in the world will never change that. LOL.
Wait a sec, Yvonne, people have accused you of not loving Noah because you gave him to Mona and her husband? What idiots. Do they not realize, as you say, that loving him was the very reason you did it? It's kind of like the people who call me selfish for not wanting children, only worse for you. Don't listen to them. You and anyone with sense knows better.
Alicia, that, and some don't think i'm in my right mind because I did what I did. List goes on.
what a story. you women are my heroines. i'm sitting here in a professional office crying like a darned baby. yvonne and mona, you know what love is. not necessarily is uit the easy or the fun thing to do. You sacrificed and changed so that the little boy you share can have the best. words are not adequate for me to express my extreme regard for you.
we did sacrifice alot, but it's all worth it. it's so hard, there are more emotions in this situation than a hole woard full of pregnant wimmin put together, and we have dayly struggles with people always trying to cause trouble or put their two sinse in, but it's worth it. we've been ruled out as the bad guys also, people have accused us of brain washing yvonne, forcing her in to this, and even stealing noah from her, people get board and come to their oan conclusions, and it's hard for us. we deal with hurtful things on both sides of the spectrum, from yvonne being a bad mom tu us being gready, and it's sucks, but we try to only believe what we know to be true. some times it's harder than others but this situation has tot us alot.
i'm perminantly changed because of this, mostly in good ways but some in bad, we've really learnt who our real friends are threw all of this. which I guess that could be a pluss.
But aside from all of the endless paperwork, phone calls, and emotions, this child has brot us life that we never could have fathomed in our wildest dreams. we have a perpis, we have a beautiful smile to wake up to every morning and every 2 or 3 hours threw the night also. heh. we have a beautiful gift, he's our blessing, our mirical. and I truly believe that mistakes do turn in to miricals.
adopting isn't easy, heck being a mom isn't easy! but you know there's always going to be the days where we can look back and smile at how much we worried, and laugh at our selvs. I can't wate for those days to come. and the best part about it is yvonne will be there to share those days with us. she may not be a part of our every day journeys but she is a part of our lives. she may not know what it's like to wake up at all hours of the night to a crying baby who just wants momma to get up and play with him, or what it's like to change a diaper that stinks so much you run to the bathroom and throw up after changing it, or she may never know what happens when we feed him too many bananas but she'll always know that we are graitful for what she's givven us, and she'll always know what she did was the right thing to do. she'll never have to worrie if he's hungry or cold and she'll never have to worrie if he's being hurt or neglected.
and that's what's emportant here, not who said what, or who did what. or blah blah blah, thanks pipi had to borrow that from you, what matters is that we have a beautiful baby boy in the midsts of all this mess and no matter what we can't let what people say about us effect him. because he's the emportent one here.
and we love you two yvonne. I hope you know that.
They come to their conclusions because they don't understand what we feel, and they don't understand what I was feelingg when I did it. They think adoption and think oh Yvonne didn't want this baby and didn't want to take care of it because she's too lazy and selfish. It hurts sometimes, but I guess as long as me, Mona and her husband know why. That's all that matters
well when i was visiting Moana and Yvonne i saw what Mona had to do to take care of Noah. It was wicked awesome. i even picked him up and sutch and hell got atached to him. i miss the little guy. when i left i came back here and expected to hear him crying but nothing. that was my cue to wake up over there. :d
I have nothing but respect for people who are smart enough to adopt out their children when they recognize they won't be able to care for the child. I'm sorry so much drama has interfered with your story. Before I had Solomon I resolved I would never tell someone else how to parent. I've watched too many dramatic interactions between people to want to be on the giving or receiving end in that situation. I grew up wishing the adoption had gone through. I also wished my parents had divorced. It's hard for people to understand when all your physical needs are met but you feel like less than nothing everyday. Only after meeting my husband did I get back any self-confidence and self-worth. There's only one thing I will say on that, never become a parent thinking it will make you feel better about yourself. Brandi, please know I will never judge you or anyone else for needing a c-section. We do the best we can with what we know. Instead of the worlds cutest normal hearing baby I got the worlds cutest deaf baby, and that's just fine with me. We'll learn sign fingerspelling and cued speech, and when he's ready get him cochlear implants. We want him to have every opportunity to excel and knowing 2 languages will be the key to doing that. If I had given Solomon up the parents would have gotten a lovable happy baby. You made one of the hardest decisions a woman can make and feel good about it. Don't let anyone take that away. Tiffany
I hella respect all three of you for what you did. I know I'd be scared to do something like that to a random family I know I'd give my life for my baby and it would scare the crap out of me to give a baby to strangers, I'm glad you all know each other and made the best decission for all of you. :)
Tiffany brings up a good point. Some women have kids because they think it will fix their problems, their marriage, etc. They think the child will at least give them unconditional love, if no one else in their life will. That is absolutely the wrong reason to have a child, or at least I think it is. Usually that only leads to trouble. But, I know there are times I, too, have been guilty of what this board topic was originally started about. It's been tempting for me to criticize other parents, to want to tell them how to manage their kids, etc, especially when I see kids misbehaving, like throwing temper tantrums in public, for example. However, tempting as it is, I've never gotten in the face of a stranger, or even a friend, who is a parent.
that's alot of the reason why there's so high of a tean pregnancy rate. girls get upset because there boyfriend doesn't spend time with them, or because they feel like there family doesn't care enough about them, so they think a baby will make it all better. you wanna know how I know this? because that was me. looking back now I see how i was really stupid and that I didn't have a baby when I was 15 or 16 was a blessing. i'm still young now, 21, but I'm in a better situation now, i'm married, I'm out on my oan, those types of things.
and someone brot up saragat mothering, hats off to those ladys also, it takes a lot to carry someone for 9 months and have to hand them over after all the kicks, and flutters. I was watching some morning show a fiew weeks ago and there was a lady who got IVF or something of that sort, and they put someone elces eggs in her on complete axident so they called her with the wonderful news that she was finally pregnant then they had to tell her in that same phone call that unfortunitly it wasn't even her baby. she had to give the baby back after she had him, and unfortunitly it was her last chance to get pregnant because she was quite older. it wripped my heart out just hearing that.
my, how we have straid. lol.
mona and yvonne, you must learn these words and pracdtice them every day :"thank you for sharing that." then shut your ears and your heart to whatever anyone with an opinion you don't respect is saying. i am going to share a story that few people know. before we got married my husband was married for two years. there were no kids and the marriage ended because she was having an affair with his best friend. both he and his wife were totally miserable and as he said chuck did him a big favor. he and cindy have been married for 27 years and are as happy as they can be. anyway, we get along with them and for years he and jim shared a ride to work together. before they moved to the eastern shore of maryland,cindy and i used to go to the movies all the time. you can imagine all the comments i have gotten about this. you know divorced people are supposed to hate each other. it's a lot easier and more civilized to get along. however, for years, his family, my family, and a lot of people who thought they were my friends advised me ad infinitum. that's where I learned to thank people for sharing and how muc
h I appreciated their concerns. then i went about my ownn business.
Anyone ever seen the movie mom at sixteen? i think that's the story of a teen mom who gives her kid up for adoption. same concept we've been discussing, and very moving.
Oh boy. Well, Alicia, I in no way meant to say that you yourself were afraid to be a parent becauseof your blindness. I was just mentioning howsad it was that some blindpeoplethat I know refuse to havechildren becauseof the fact they are blind. I know why you made your decision, and I'm sorry for any confusion this may cause anyone.
No no, Brandy, I didn't take it personally, or that you were directing the comment specifically at me. I was only trying to decipher your typing, and what exactly you meant to say. *Grin* But it's all cool.
Yeah, this thing often screws up and even when I do press the spacebar, it acts like it never went through. Well, I'm glad it's cool.
I agree with everything that's been said. But one thing more: Those of us as parents know we grow with the stages our kids go through. You'll know this when you've got teenagers, and parents with smaller kids try and tell you what you should or shouldn't allow them to do. And BTW, Wildebrew, I don't know. I think the harder years may be ahead of you, though you're right about the sleep. That balance of letting them stretch their wings, but still being there to rein them in a bit, all the times they want distance and then immediately afterwards want to know you're there. The teenage years are quite confusing for parents, not just kids. But, contrary to many I guess, I rather like my daughter's ability to reason, form her own opinions - even though she didn't inherit her dad's more tactful disposition - and really, unlike a lot of what you hear, as teens they're rather invigorating. Everything's new to them; they're looking at what they want to do, where they want to go, what they think about what's going on, and many times inform *us* not just about their own feelings but something they've found out. It's been said they're adults in apprenticeship, and I think that's right. I miss some things: I miss reading to her, her wanting to sit on my lap, things like that. But it all gets replaced with stuff that's new and different. Now that she's gotten past the painful junior high years, I think things are starting to settle down for her, and she's starting to enjoy more things again. But, just like every kid is different with the bottle or potty training, so it is with cell phones, computer use, etc. But I think when the kids are teens, the differences between the pair of parents involved really show up. When they're really little, it's mostly who will do what. By way of example, I inadvertently started something when I let our daughter take the laptop to her room and use it there. She does what all teens do; talk on the phone, text and IM at the same time ... and gets the homework done ... and hasn't been irresponsible online. This wouldn't have been too bad, albeit a disagreement, except when her mom got home and asked why I had let her, instead of mentioning her being responsible and all - which I did think she was - the first thing out of my mouth was the new router's wireless range went far enough ... not a recommended response to such a question. I did ultimately get it right but such flare-ups can certainly happen more when the kids are teens, I think.
you are doing a great job with your teen. my mom always said that adolescence was the time to explore experience and fail safely. it is hard for many parents to tran sition from the captain of their kids destinies to the guide or resource center. I love teens. It is nice to debate, discuss, and disagree. Having someone to share books and tv with is great. it makes all those tantrums and tortuous midnight feedings worth it.
Ok, first of all, some ignorant sole, I can't remember who exactly it was, had the gaul to say that the opinions of people without kids are nothing. You are so encredibly wrong. Are they as valuable as those of actual parents in all areas? No, of course not, but they can be valuable. For instance, a special education early childhood teacher is certainlly more knowledgeable than the parents of many children with learning disabilities. Doctors absolutely know more about how many callories a day, which nutrients and how much excersize a child needs than most parents do. There are areas in which parents will always be more qualified, but the reverse is also true. I would never presume to do brain surgery on my own son, or to teach him advanced chemestry while I am homeschooling. However, I know more about his individual communication style and his sleeping patterns and emotional well-being than any professional. Also, some parents, and I'm not saying this applies to anyone on this site spacifically, but some parents simply are bad parents, and it is not at all out of line for a non-parent to tell a parent who gives their seven month old candy and soda for breakfast, who slaps their one-year old to punish them, or who locks their two year old in a car with the windows closed in the summer that they are out of line and hurting their children. Now, some people have ideas and plans and then revise them completely when they actually become parents. Some, however do not. I wrote proudly that I planned to exclusively breastfeed, and I did and still am. I exclusively breastfed until my son started solids between six and eight months, and I still agree with infant-led weening and plan to continue to nurse my son until he is three, if he does not ween himself before then. I told the zone that I would co-sleep, and in fact bed-share. And, guess what? I am bed-sharing very happily and successfully. I blathered on about how I was going to cloth diaper, and I am still doing that as well. I had a few months where I would use Seventh Generation, eco friendly, or as eco friendly as you can get disposable diapers while I was transitioning from fitted diapers to pocket diapers and from a house to an apartment, but now I'm right back at it. I was scoffed at by "experienced" parents when I stated that I would make all of my own organic home-made baby food and would not use jar food, formula or processed baby snacks. And, I have done that with great success. I also babywear and use only organic body care products for my son, and use primarily herbal remedies for his medical concerns. All of these things I was told were unrealistic and idealistic. Well, what can they say now? The only thing, and I absolutely admit this, was that wearing my son, was much easier than pulling him in a stroller, but my blind mother, who has serious back problems does successfully use a guide dog and pulls her grand son in an umbrella stroller. Many people told me that strollers weren't safe, that they could not be used with a guide dog, and yet, they can be perfectly safe with supervision and if you and your guide are a good solid working team, in the right environment with the right kind of stroller, then you absolutely should use a stroller, if you wish. I opted not to use one, for attachment parenting reasons. People harped on me in a very attacking manner about how judgmental I was when I explained to others some of the benifits of cloth diapering, babywearing, co-sleeping, etc, called me silly and even foolish for thinking that I would manage to do all that I wrote I intended to do. As imature as it is, I do feel the need to say, and only to the most critical of those people, in. your. face. I did enough research, not only in books and on websites, but by attending La Leche League meetings, Home Birth Circle meetings and Cloth Diapering and Baby Wearing Moms of Greater Rochester meetings before I became a parent. The most educated non-parent or not-yet-parent is certainly more qualified than the least educated parent, but there are so many other factors such as experience, intelligence, age, support network, etc that will determine the discrepency or the degree of discrepency between what parents and people who are not parents know and understand. Someone else said that non-parents can never ever give meaningful advice. How ignorant can you get? My best friend, my son's God mother has no children of her own, but she often gives me extremely helpful support and advice, both in the form of researching for me some of the things I did not have time to research before my son was born, and in the form of sharing her experience with babysitting, assisting her mother with her younger sister and other personal life experiences. As to the morph of the thread. I have the utmost respect for women who accidentally get pregnant, once, and give that baby up for addoption, once, because they are realistic and are self-aware enough to know that they are not the right sort of personality to be a mother or in the right sort of situation, once. However, there are cases, in which I just want to slap the mother. We have an acquaintance who has had five children, of which three were put up for adoption, and of the two she has, one is a Juvinal Delinquint, not my opinion, he really is officially designated as a JD. That is a woman who should have gotten her God damned tubes tied. Once as an accident, or a rape, five times is, "keep your legs shhut." God, that is terrible about the woman who was implanted with the wrong eggs. On the one hand I feel that she should be able to keep the baby, as it was out of her control, was her body, without her concent, as she agreed to carry her baby, not someone elses just to give it up, especially when this is her last chance to have a baby. I really hope that she sued and won against the clinic, for amense pain and suffering. On the other hand, I know that if they were my eggs, I would be breaking down the door to cook the woman's meals, supervise her physical activity, break her face in if she so much as smoked one ciggerette, and would catch the baby the instant it popped out and would run off into another room to clean it up and nurse it myself. It's so emotional, not logical at all. Does anyone know if this poor woman, actually, both women were compinsated for this tragedy? One final thing on the origional topic. Everyone has a right to their opinion, and even a right to express it, in moderation. I actually welcome the questions from people who don't understand why I do what I do. As long as the person isn't ggetting into my face and telling me that I am sexually abusing my son by breastfeeding him, over the age of one, as long as they aren't calling CPS on me, for safely co-sleeping, I am more than happy to explain all about the benifits of infant-lead weening and bed-sharing, etc. I absolutely had the right, as a non-parent, to give advice to parents, before my son was born. I gave many moms recepies for good home-made baby food and toddler snacks, I love to cook and am damn good at it. I helped another mom, before I was a mom, baby proof her house and pick out a baby carrier. When I was twenty, and not even pregnant yet, I helped another mom I know, with diciplin issues with her two and a half year old, by teaching her about redirrection vs. yelling, diciplin vs. punishment, and why time out is not a developmentally appropriate diciplin measure for such a young child. PS, it worked, all of it, well, just ask those moms. And, when I give advice I always preface it with "I read in, such and such book," "For one little girl that I used to sit for, blah, blah, blah worked best," or "We were discussing brain development of toddlers in class last week and..." or "When I was a baby, my mother found it helpful to....". There is nothing wrong with offering information, if it is non-threatening, and you disclose your source
sensually naturally living for today, you are right on as usual. starting almost 21 years ago, i did many of the same things you are doing. guess what my kids are great people who i'd like even if they weren't mine. that's saying a lot. sorry for the brag.
making baby food takes such little time. it is so much better and tastier for the child to eat.
nursing is the best. letting your child lead the way in this is so important.
as i was coming in to the office today, I was thinking about the worst thing i hated as a kid. that was that no one would listen to me. just because i was short in size i was little in anything worthwhile to contribute or communicate.
you are doing a great job and should be commended.
everyone on here that I've seen does too. how you feed, diaper, or whatever, is important. all this pales beside the real valuable gifts we give our kids. time and love. how we show these is by the choices we make. if we are comfortable with these, whatever they may be, then our kids will be better able to share in both these presents.
my problem with people who don't have kids giving advice, is not with what they say but with the tone in which it is often presented. so called suggestions often are disguised as criticism. Before I had kids, I was just as guilty of this as the next person. how Well I remember my now 29 year old god daughter screaming at dinner. her mom got up to take care of her and i said in all seriousness "let her cry. you shouldn't let something the size of a turkey run your life." The fact that her mom didn't shoot me and we are still best friends speaks to both our characters i think.
I have learned through out the years that the best way to begin any suggestion is "it has been my experience" or words to that effect. No one can argue with that as they didn't live my dream.
Cheers to poster of number 47. i don't know that she wants me to give her name, but I've seen her in action and she does all she says, and I can only hope that one day I can be just as good of a mother. I know i'll do decently, but hopefully better than that like herself. Her little one is awsome and friendly. My only regret is that I don't see them more. If I give advice lately usually I give it either from my mother my sister or her expieriences because they are people I trust, and I'm glad to know to watch for my tone though. silly board post of myself perhaps, but coodos to scentually naturally living for today. keep it up.
*smile*